Smiles Are Not Required

A Deep-Dive into Autism, Emotions, and the Myths About Our Faces

When people look at autistic adults and say, "You don’t look upset," "you look like a zombie," or "You seem fine," they’re often reading our faces through a neurotypical lens. What they miss is that for many autistic people, the face isn’t always a mirror of the internal world. To some, we may seem like we have a flat affect. We can feel grief, joy, rage, or connection deeply and still look flat, blank, or "off" to someone who expects smiles to mean happiness and tears to signal sadness. This isn’t detachment. It’s a different neurological language.

(Personal note) I know that, especially in professional settings, there were moments when I was fuming inside and still managed to look perfectly neutral. People had no idea they had crossed a line. That internal storm didn’t align with what they saw, and it often left me feeling invisible or misunderstood.

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How Autistic Adults Express Emotion

Let’s be clear: autistic adults experience the full depth and range of human emotion. We just express it differently. That expression may not be through a raised eyebrow, tears, or the classic smile. Instead, we may express emotion through body language, repetitive motion (such as rocking or tapping), silence, or even a hyper-focused gaze. This mismatch between internal states and external expression is often why we get misunderstood.

Masking, a survival strategy for many autistic folks, involves consciously or unconsciously suppressing natural reactions to appear more “acceptable.” Over time, masking can lead to emotional disconnect, not because we lack emotion, but because the constant labor of performance creates fatigue and misalignment.

Definition: Masking refers to efforts to hide or “camouflage” autistic traits in order to conform socially, often at the cost of emotional well-being.

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Emotional Processing Differences

Emotional regulation, how we manage emotional responses, can be uniquely intense for autistic people. Some of us feel things big and fast, but our systems don’t always know how to bring us back down. This can manifest as shutdowns, meltdowns, or a lingering emotional hangover from situations that others might shrug off.

One key factor here is alexithymia, which is the difficulty in identifying and describing one’s emotions. This doesn’t mean we don’t have emotions. It means the internal dashboard that tells us what we’re feeling might be glitchy or hard to read.

Definition: Alexithymia is a trait that makes it hard to identify, describe, or verbalize emotions. It often co-occurs with autism.

Even more layered, many autistic adults live with anxiety, depression, or trauma. All of this can compound how emotions are processed and how expressions are shaped.

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Neurodiversity Therapist vs. Life Coach (and How I Can Help)

Neurodiversity Therapist: Therapy is excellent especially if you can afford it, if it's a match, and if your therapist actually gets neurodivergence. If you have the means or access to a sliding scale, it’s worth searching online or asking for referrals from trusted spaces. That said, it may take some trial and error to find someone who truly understands autistic emotional expression. If therapy isn’t financially accessible, consider checking with community centers, local programs, or nonprofit organizations; some may offer free or low-cost services.

Neurodiversity Life Coach: Coaches focus on helping you discover your goals and values, not giving you advice, but helping you build your own roadmap. It’s collaborative, empowering, and forward-focused.

Here’s where I come in: I’m currently in training to become an ICF-certified Neurodiversity Life Coach for adults and families. While I already run a consulting business where I work with clients around identity, work-life boundaries, and emotional well-being, I decided to pursue this certification to deepen that work, not because I need it to be credible, but because I believe in strengthening my skills and getting credentialed.

As part of earning the ACC credential (Associate Certified Coach), I’m required to complete 75 hours of paid coaching, and that’s where you come in. These sessions are real, confidential, and focused on your goals, but offered at a deeply reduced rate: choose from $20, $40, or $60, based on what works for you.

Your investment helps me meet the 75 paid hours required for my ACC credential, while also creating access for folks who rarely see coaching priced this low. It’s support with soul and a pathway to collective stability.

Typically, coaching at this level costs $175+ per hour (once I am certified, the rate will be $250 to start). This is a win-win: you get support navigating your identity, roles, or emotional expression, and I get to log accredited hours toward my certification, building financial stability while I’m in training.

💌 If this speaks to you, email me. I’d be honored to walk with you.

Also, be sure to check out the full 5-page Emotional Awareness Tracker for Autistic Women, available exclusively for paid subscribers at the end, which is a valuable resource. 💜

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The Autistic Female Face: Presentation and Pressure

For autistic women and female-presenting people, the pressure is next level. Society expects us to be emotionally available, nurturing, and expressive. So what happens when your face doesn’t match those expectations?

From childhood, many autistic women are taught implicitly or explicitly to “perform” emotion. We learn to smile even when we're confused, nod even when we're hurt, and laugh even when we're uncomfortable. This performative empathy becomes second nature. But over time, it burns us out.

(Personal reflection): For years, I didn’t know I was masking. I just knew I had to smile when I didn’t feel like it, to nod in meetings even when I disagreed, to hold in tears until I got home. I was praised for being “professional” and “calm,” but it never felt like me.

This is compounded by diagnostic bias. Most autism research and tools were based on boys and men. As a result, autistic women often go undiagnosed, misdiagnosed, or misunderstood for decades. That delay? It takes a toll on our mental health, relationships, and sense of self.

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Advice for Women of Color Navigating Emotion and Expression

If you're a woman of color on the spectrum, the misunderstandings surrounding facial expressions and emotions can feel doubly layered. Many of us already walk through the world fighting the stereotypes that we're “being extra,” “too demanding,” “too angry,” or “too emotional.” Add autism to the mix, and the gap between how you feel and how you're perceived can feel like a canyon, and in some cultures, autism diagnosis is not acceptable (even after you know you have some can’t fathom it or won’t), or there is no access to a diagnosis, or even dare to speak of being autistic.

Here are a few things that may help:

Practice your own emotional check-ins: You don’t need to pretend to feel something for others, but checking in with yourself can help bridge the gap between internal and external experiences.

Have a go-to script: When someone misreads your stillness, you can say something like, “Just because I don’t show it on my face doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it.” Or, “I process emotions differently. I may look calm, but I’m very much experiencing this.”

Set boundaries unapologetically: If people demand emotional performance, it’s okay to say, “I express things differently. Please respect that.” You are not obligated to contort yourself to make others comfortable.

Know that you are perfect the way you are: You are navigating a world that often wasn’t built for your rhythm, your facial cues, or your neurotype. That’s a mismatch. And you’re allowed to take up space just as you are.

Assign an accountability/support buddy: Utilize a friend or family member who can be a call away or lives close by to support you and help you be accountable for your goals.

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What the Research Suggests

The takeaway is simple but crucial: our emotional expression is not lacking, it’s just different. And that difference is shaped by neurology, culture, trauma, and survival.

Flat affect, a term used to describe a lack of expected facial expressions, is often misinterpreted in individuals with autism. But the issue isn’t a lack of feeling. It’s a lack of mutual understanding.

Definition: Flat affect refers to a limited range of facial expressions or tone, often misinterpreted as emotional numbness or detachment.

This is where the double empathy problem comes in. It’s not just that autistic people struggle to read neurotypical cues; it’s also that neurotypical folks often fail to read ours. Emotional disconnection goes both ways.

Definition: The Double empathy problem is the mutual difficulty in understanding and empathizing between autistic and non-autistic individuals.

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How Non-Autistic People Can Better Support and Understand Autistic Emotion

So what can non-autistic folks do?

✨ Broaden your understanding of what emotions look like. Crying isn’t the only sign of sadness. Smiling isn’t the only marker of joy. Watch for stimming, pacing, silence, or a change in routine—these may be emotional expressions.

✨ Don’t demand people with autism act a certain way. Asking “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look upset” can feel invalidating. Instead, ask open-ended questions and give space for answers to unfold slowly.

✨ Believe us. If we say we’re sad, we are. If we say we’re burnt out, we are. If we’re quiet, don’t assume we’re fine. Trust our inner world even if our outer world looks still.

(Personal example): A friend once said, “But you looked so calm, I had no idea you were overwhelmed.” That was the moment I realized how much work it takes to look fine when I’m not.

While the world ofteb misreads autistic stillness as emptiness, the most radical thing you can do is trust that the emotion is there. Learn our language. And let us be seen.

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One Last Thing: Let’s Make It Practical

If you’ve made it this far, here’s something for your toolkit: a printable tracker to help autistic women (and really, anyone who feels emotionally misread) tune into their feelings across the day, without having to perform them. It's soft. It's low-pressure. And it’s designed to help you connect with yourself before anyone else.

You’ll find spaces to jot down sensations, emotions, and what you think you're feeling, even if you’re not 100% sure. There’s no wrong answer just room to be.

Here is the tool, for paid subscribers…